An Appeal to One Miss Carrie Bradshaw

Dear Ms. Bradshaw,

I would like to first state that I am a very loyal fan of yours. I have looked to you for inspiration in many aspects of my life and you are an icon to me in more ways than one. I can quote excerpts of dialogue from your show as it runs through my head on a regular basis. And yes, I even have a Carrie Necklace, except for mine says Alicia. That being said, some recent news regarding your future has come to my attention and I can not continue to sit back in silence and watch you make another horrific error.

Upon hearing that a sequel to the film about the lives of you and your three BFFs is to be made, I have been beside myself with apprehension and anxiety. This is a development about which I have given a great deal of thought in recent days. I have come to the conclusion that this is something that I will not support, nor should you. I am reminded of when I was a little girl watching movies like The Little Mermaid and The Wizard of Oz, becoming incredibly stressed out when the beloved characters continued to make the very bad decisions I was so desperately willing them to reconsider. No Dorothy, please for the love of God, just stay in Munchkinland. It seems safe enough, apart from that Lollipop Guild. I am begging you Ariel, just stay a mermaid, so much cooler under the sea. I always stopped the movie after they made these bad decisions, thus sealing their fate for the next hour and a half to one of doom and gloom. The fact that things would work out again in the end was not incentive enough for me to watch the debacle unfold. It is also similar to my aversion to much reality television as I can not stomach watching people embarrass themselves. I am afraid, dear friend, that this is what you are about to do.

Sequels, unless predetermined before the release of the first feature, are a blatant insult to artistic integrity, and would be a grave disservice to your character. You deserve much better than this. I understand the business side of making a sequel and extending a franchise. The first film was largely successful at the box office, and I am not so naive as to think that the money coming in from various angles would not motivate a sequel. But at what price was the success of the first film achieved? What is the real cost of making a sequel to this rehashed and spit up mess?

As an ardent fan of yours I did go to see the film in theaters three different times and I also own a copy of the DVD. (Trying to be supportive) I find it to be an enjoyable enough movie, however one that is completely void of anything relating to the original concept of the series. When the first film was released last Spring, I was among its most zealous cheerleaders. Pom poms and megaphone in hand, I had faith that the film would carry on the same ideas and characters as the show. After I saw the movie I continued my support for it and ignored any concerns about the deeply unrealistic plot and actions of the characters. However, after hearing this news of a sequel I can no longer conceal my disappointment and regret at the events that supposedly transpired in the lives of you and your friends, all of whom I adore.

The concerns, I have until now kept to myself, are similar to those of most everyone who saw the film. These issues are all mostly to do with the complete and total overreaction of every single character in the entire film and the complete and total lack of rational thinking and behavior. The story developed with an incredibly anemic plot based on nothing but escalated reactions to very trivial happenings. The following are examples of this phenomenon that occurred in the film: Steve slept with someone else and Miranda was Hell bent on never forgiving him ever again, never ever again! Smith worked too much and Samantha loved herself more than she loved him and therefore she left him. (yeah um..ok.. whatever, moving on...) Charlotte accidentally swallowed water in Mexico and was subject to a most embarrassing and highly unnecessary incident, which, quite unfortunately was her most memorable part in the film. And Big had a bout of pre-wedding jitters for two point five seconds and you, Carrie, completely flipped your shit and lost all sanity and sense of reason as you proceeded to beat him down with your flowers in the middle of the street and then cut off all ties with him completely and totally.

(Deep Breath....regroup)

While these events are realistic and believable enough, as they can happen in the world somewhere, they do not seem to fit the previous behaviors of you or your friends. You are all far too sophisticated for such base attempts at humor and drama.

With this bit of history in mind, my appeal to you, your creators, portrayor (new word! apparently), and stylists is as follows: please for the love of all things Cosmopolitan and Manolo Blahnik, do not let this sequel work its way into existence. Do we really need to fervently tear open this perfectly gift wrapped package yet again, and rip the tissue to pieces to just then shove it in the same package and tie it again with the same old worn out bow? I for one, do not need to see what happens to you and your friends, I have already found peace with it and moved on, as I think should you, with the satisfaction that you have a very lovely life.

(I can see already, as contracts have been signed, that there is no getting through to you, and yes I will go to the theater to see this train wreck)

I wish you all the best and have misplaced hopes for a decent script at the very least.


Disheartened and Defeated,

Alicia

Phil Better be Good with the Snow Shovel!

So the varmit saw his shadow, which determines that there will be 6 more weeks of Winter. But are we really surprised?

I can not, in all of my 24.5 years on this Earth, recall a February 2nd when the sunshine did not magically appear after weeks and weeks of dismal January clouds, just in time to allow Mr. Phil to be frightened by his own shadow (lame ass) and declare another 6 weeks of winter. I remember as a little girl, every second day of February, hoping that the rodent would not be able to see his shadow. And if he did, maybe this year he would not be afraid. Maybe this would be the year that he would look that shadow in the face and say "I am not afraid of you! I am a rodent of unusual size for crying out loud! I will not bow down in the face of darkness and evil! I laugh at your meager attempts to scare the bejesus out of me!"

I don't remember this ever happening, because Punxsutawney is apparently a wuss.

So because this rodent is completely spineless we are doomed to six more weeks of snow and ice and death and destruction.

But I have a plan that will vastly improve the lives of future generations. I propose that Phil relocate to the Pacific Northwest. I understand it is cloudy and rainy there constantly, and I imagine the chances of him seeing his shadow on this cursed day every year would diminish greatly. And if the sight of his own shadow really and truly leaves him so on edge, I am sure he would not mind a more hospitable environment for his fragile nerves.

But, until he becomes a more rational individual and/or makes a move to a sunless environment, I demand that he help me shovel the driveway and push my car out of whatever snow drift in which it gets stuck!

Oprah and the Mystery of the Small and Sticky Paper

This past Tuesday, I fled work early to avoid driving home in the middle of a looming ice storm, which has now left everything that was in its path looking like a bad chewing gum commercial. I was very happy that I made this decision as it allowed me to, not only avoid becoming a crystallized version of my former self, but also catch up on some quality daytime television that I normally never see and order the entire Pizza Hut delivery menu.

As I stuffed my face with pizza, cheese bread, and buffalo wings, I watched as Dr. Oz informed overweight teens how to lose weight and become more healthy on Oprah . On the way to commercial break, all of the hope for humanity that Dr. Oz had just instilled in me by his, convincing intelligence, kindness and caring, was quickly annihilated in one small message.

I was informed, by none other than Oprah herself, in a sort of public service announcement, that post-its are great for helping you remember things you don't want to forget.


(pause to reflect)


Thank you Oprah!

And yesterday, a woman I work with told me that post-its are great for helping you remember things. The gospel spreads quickly.

I, for one, am glad we have Oprah in this world, otherwise I would still be using post-its to practice my autograph on and decorate my desk with at work.

Despite the mysteries Oprah has finally solved in my workday and life, I am still left to wonder exactly how many people in the program's viewing audience, or for that matter, the world, do not know what to do with a post-it? What kind of monumental lack of understanding could warrant such a confusion to my sensibilities while I am simply trying to enjoy daytime programming and learn some healthy eating habits?

Where do you keep them all!?

My job keeps me pretty busy. My hectic workdays are filled with hours spent perusing celebrity blogs....Perez, Justjared, Evilbeet, Best Week Ever. I have to stay well informed. I must know exactly what London pub Robert Pattinson was in last night. I simply can not continue until I find out to which movie premiere a giant pink bunny with an eye patch was refused entry. And, I must often juggle these critical responsibilities with participating in daily facebook chat conferences with friends. Today, my normal routine was vastly improved. My dear friend LaToya suggested that I visit a fan site dedicated to the rapper Lil' Wayne. I was instructed to read fan's comments, ensured that they were hilarious. I was not disappointed. I clicked here, http://www.iamfan.com/~lil_wayne/ , where I found these:

Lilwayne¢¾ msg #6 - omg yes hes mad gorg and all my friends say im crazzyyyy

ilovemyboo msg #13 - i wub lil wayne!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im a fan lil wayne msg #3 - lil wayne im only years old and i like your songs

RAHEEIM msg #8 - ALL WAYNE MUSIK ARE HOT, AND WHEN EVER I HEAR THEM I GAT TWISTEC, AT TIMES I FEEL LIKE MELTING OR DYING

and my favorite...

halifa msg #7 - i love u lil wayne u are my best musician

Now.....precisely how many musicians does this person have in their possession? Where are they keeping them? Is Rob P their musician too!? If so can they please explain what exactly it is he is saying in his songs? Maybe he is strictly their best actor... Where do they get their musicians? Is musician collecting an expensive hobby? I imagine it would be. These are questions plaguing me....

I wish I had musicians. But why stop there?

(Mind wanders to the world I now want to live in....)

"Hi my name is Alicia and this is my best musician Lil' Wayne. Hi I'm Alicia, oh have you met by best werewolf, Taylor Lautner, Sharkboy. Over here we have my best scientolotot Suri. Oh this is my best not-nominated-for-an-Oscar-again-actor, Leonardo DiCaprio. Have you met my best crazy, Cheetah Lady?"

If only...


And to address a few of the other Lil' Wayne fans above:

im a fan lil wayne - Ummm....everyone is years old.....except for baby's under 2....who are not..

RAHEEIM - Please consult a medical professional about the "melting or dying"....I worry....

Good Luck!

Always Accessible

I recently upgraded my cell phone from a Motorola Razr to the T-Mobile G1. I have been told that with this phone I could conquer the world. That is an awful lot of power in the palm of my hand if that is truly the case. But in keeping with my plan that 2009 will be the year of Alicia, that seems appropriate. (Yes, I have made the decision that this is my year.) I am feeling in touch with the times. Very much a part of the world. I will be one of those ultra-hip people capable of updating their facebook status on-the-go. With all these warm and fuzzy, life validating feelings being introduced by my cell phone, I thought I would follow in John Mayer's footsteps and blog about my new technologies. ( I am told by a reliable source that he does this. Although when I tried to find his blog, he seemed to write about nothing but Holiday Cakes.)

While pretending to work yesterday, my morning consisted of updating my facebook status multiple times via my new phone, while sitting in front of my facebook page on my computer. I already have a Robert Pattinson video saved as a favorite on my phone's youtube application and I have googled the Azores, which was very handy after seeing a commercial for next week's episode of Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations. I am always up-to-date on my favorite celebrity gossip as I can access perezhilton.com on my phone while I sit in front of the same screen on my computer. I am certain to never miss a thing. My text messages to friends have become little poetic gems, as I am able to use a keyboard with all the letters of the alphabet. My words and thoughts have been liberated from the confines of standard text message language. No more lols for me. When I set the alarm clock on my new world conquering phone, it conveniently tells me how many hours I have until the alarm will go off. It is a bit distressing to be informed by this device that I have only 5 hours of sleep ahead of me. It is the same feeling as if my mom is telling me I am up too late.

I am still discovering what other hidden treasures my phone holds. Perhaps there is a secret laser beam that cuts through glass in case I am ever trapped in...something made of glass. Maybe it will transform into one of those Shammy Wow Towels that absorbs liquid stains magically off the carpet without applying any pressure. For all I know it could unfold into a Snuggie blanket just in time for my next cult meeting. No matter what occurs, my phone and I are prepared for anything, and I will keep you posted on any future developments....

I would like to thank the following things for existing in '08

Last week, many of my favorite media outlets put forth lists of noteworthy events and random happenings of 2008. I do not want to be left out. I am aware that I am behind in bringing to you my countdown, 6 days into 2009, but I am sure you can deal with it. Especially considering the things that I plan to commemorate here (in no particular order) are likely to mean very little to people who are not me.

With that in mind, please enjoy The best of '08:


-First (just because it so obviously would be on any list of good things in '08) Obama wins election.

-Celebrity gossip blogs and the celebrities who make them possible. Evil Beet and Mollygood especially, were the best daily defense against death by boredom at work.

-Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations Saudi Arabia episode. It sounds a bit trite, but I was amazed at how my perspective on this enigmatic place could be so greatly improved by an hour long travel show.

-Pineapple Express. And seeing it in the theater 7 times.

-Adele's debut album, 19.

-Robert Pattinson.

-I got a new and exciting haircut, which I have now completely abandoned.

-The Italian at Buca di Beppo/Japanese at Fuji Steakhouse followed by trips to Northside Saturday combo.

-Seeing Rent on Broadway, in my most adored New York City, with two of my very best friends, before it closed its doors forever, on my birthday.

-Laughing. Which I did a lot of this year, thanks to many of the items above and the people involved in them.

And just for good measure....

-New Year's Eve 2009, which I believe to be the best one yet!