Oprah and the Mystery of the Small and Sticky Paper

This past Tuesday, I fled work early to avoid driving home in the middle of a looming ice storm, which has now left everything that was in its path looking like a bad chewing gum commercial. I was very happy that I made this decision as it allowed me to, not only avoid becoming a crystallized version of my former self, but also catch up on some quality daytime television that I normally never see and order the entire Pizza Hut delivery menu.

As I stuffed my face with pizza, cheese bread, and buffalo wings, I watched as Dr. Oz informed overweight teens how to lose weight and become more healthy on Oprah . On the way to commercial break, all of the hope for humanity that Dr. Oz had just instilled in me by his, convincing intelligence, kindness and caring, was quickly annihilated in one small message.

I was informed, by none other than Oprah herself, in a sort of public service announcement, that post-its are great for helping you remember things you don't want to forget.


(pause to reflect)


Thank you Oprah!

And yesterday, a woman I work with told me that post-its are great for helping you remember things. The gospel spreads quickly.

I, for one, am glad we have Oprah in this world, otherwise I would still be using post-its to practice my autograph on and decorate my desk with at work.

Despite the mysteries Oprah has finally solved in my workday and life, I am still left to wonder exactly how many people in the program's viewing audience, or for that matter, the world, do not know what to do with a post-it? What kind of monumental lack of understanding could warrant such a confusion to my sensibilities while I am simply trying to enjoy daytime programming and learn some healthy eating habits?

Where do you keep them all!?

My job keeps me pretty busy. My hectic workdays are filled with hours spent perusing celebrity blogs....Perez, Justjared, Evilbeet, Best Week Ever. I have to stay well informed. I must know exactly what London pub Robert Pattinson was in last night. I simply can not continue until I find out to which movie premiere a giant pink bunny with an eye patch was refused entry. And, I must often juggle these critical responsibilities with participating in daily facebook chat conferences with friends. Today, my normal routine was vastly improved. My dear friend LaToya suggested that I visit a fan site dedicated to the rapper Lil' Wayne. I was instructed to read fan's comments, ensured that they were hilarious. I was not disappointed. I clicked here, http://www.iamfan.com/~lil_wayne/ , where I found these:

Lilwayne¢¾ msg #6 - omg yes hes mad gorg and all my friends say im crazzyyyy

ilovemyboo msg #13 - i wub lil wayne!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im a fan lil wayne msg #3 - lil wayne im only years old and i like your songs

RAHEEIM msg #8 - ALL WAYNE MUSIK ARE HOT, AND WHEN EVER I HEAR THEM I GAT TWISTEC, AT TIMES I FEEL LIKE MELTING OR DYING

and my favorite...

halifa msg #7 - i love u lil wayne u are my best musician

Now.....precisely how many musicians does this person have in their possession? Where are they keeping them? Is Rob P their musician too!? If so can they please explain what exactly it is he is saying in his songs? Maybe he is strictly their best actor... Where do they get their musicians? Is musician collecting an expensive hobby? I imagine it would be. These are questions plaguing me....

I wish I had musicians. But why stop there?

(Mind wanders to the world I now want to live in....)

"Hi my name is Alicia and this is my best musician Lil' Wayne. Hi I'm Alicia, oh have you met by best werewolf, Taylor Lautner, Sharkboy. Over here we have my best scientolotot Suri. Oh this is my best not-nominated-for-an-Oscar-again-actor, Leonardo DiCaprio. Have you met my best crazy, Cheetah Lady?"

If only...


And to address a few of the other Lil' Wayne fans above:

im a fan lil wayne - Ummm....everyone is years old.....except for baby's under 2....who are not..

RAHEEIM - Please consult a medical professional about the "melting or dying"....I worry....

Good Luck!

Always Accessible

I recently upgraded my cell phone from a Motorola Razr to the T-Mobile G1. I have been told that with this phone I could conquer the world. That is an awful lot of power in the palm of my hand if that is truly the case. But in keeping with my plan that 2009 will be the year of Alicia, that seems appropriate. (Yes, I have made the decision that this is my year.) I am feeling in touch with the times. Very much a part of the world. I will be one of those ultra-hip people capable of updating their facebook status on-the-go. With all these warm and fuzzy, life validating feelings being introduced by my cell phone, I thought I would follow in John Mayer's footsteps and blog about my new technologies. ( I am told by a reliable source that he does this. Although when I tried to find his blog, he seemed to write about nothing but Holiday Cakes.)

While pretending to work yesterday, my morning consisted of updating my facebook status multiple times via my new phone, while sitting in front of my facebook page on my computer. I already have a Robert Pattinson video saved as a favorite on my phone's youtube application and I have googled the Azores, which was very handy after seeing a commercial for next week's episode of Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations. I am always up-to-date on my favorite celebrity gossip as I can access perezhilton.com on my phone while I sit in front of the same screen on my computer. I am certain to never miss a thing. My text messages to friends have become little poetic gems, as I am able to use a keyboard with all the letters of the alphabet. My words and thoughts have been liberated from the confines of standard text message language. No more lols for me. When I set the alarm clock on my new world conquering phone, it conveniently tells me how many hours I have until the alarm will go off. It is a bit distressing to be informed by this device that I have only 5 hours of sleep ahead of me. It is the same feeling as if my mom is telling me I am up too late.

I am still discovering what other hidden treasures my phone holds. Perhaps there is a secret laser beam that cuts through glass in case I am ever trapped in...something made of glass. Maybe it will transform into one of those Shammy Wow Towels that absorbs liquid stains magically off the carpet without applying any pressure. For all I know it could unfold into a Snuggie blanket just in time for my next cult meeting. No matter what occurs, my phone and I are prepared for anything, and I will keep you posted on any future developments....

I would like to thank the following things for existing in '08

Last week, many of my favorite media outlets put forth lists of noteworthy events and random happenings of 2008. I do not want to be left out. I am aware that I am behind in bringing to you my countdown, 6 days into 2009, but I am sure you can deal with it. Especially considering the things that I plan to commemorate here (in no particular order) are likely to mean very little to people who are not me.

With that in mind, please enjoy The best of '08:


-First (just because it so obviously would be on any list of good things in '08) Obama wins election.

-Celebrity gossip blogs and the celebrities who make them possible. Evil Beet and Mollygood especially, were the best daily defense against death by boredom at work.

-Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations Saudi Arabia episode. It sounds a bit trite, but I was amazed at how my perspective on this enigmatic place could be so greatly improved by an hour long travel show.

-Pineapple Express. And seeing it in the theater 7 times.

-Adele's debut album, 19.

-Robert Pattinson.

-I got a new and exciting haircut, which I have now completely abandoned.

-The Italian at Buca di Beppo/Japanese at Fuji Steakhouse followed by trips to Northside Saturday combo.

-Seeing Rent on Broadway, in my most adored New York City, with two of my very best friends, before it closed its doors forever, on my birthday.

-Laughing. Which I did a lot of this year, thanks to many of the items above and the people involved in them.

And just for good measure....

-New Year's Eve 2009, which I believe to be the best one yet!